Week 11: Family Recreation, Blended Families

Family Recreation

4 Principles:

1. Wholesome recreation is not the same as idleness or aimless leisure.

2. Wholesome recreation is not just spontaneous play.

3. Wholesome recreation helps to establish family rituals that create bonding experiences.

4. Wholesome recreation needs to be balanced with our obligation to work.

President Ezra Taft Benson said to fathers:

"Go on daddy-daughter dates and father and sons' outings with your children. As a family, go on campouts and picnics, to ball games and recitals, to school programs...Build traditions of family vacations and trips and outings. These memories will never be forgotten by your children."

I testify that this principle is true. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of family campouts and trips to Nauvoo or Palmyra. :)

Interesting note: Studies have shown that the longer you watch TV, the worse you feel. I totally believe this. If I watch TV for more than a few hours I feel really slow and my head feels heavy and dull.

Suggestions for wholesome recreation:

1. Select recreation that builds meaningful relationships.
2. Regularly choose challenging activities that stretch each family member.
3. Clarify the purpose of activity.
4. Select activities in which participants can acquire a sense of mastery and competence.
5. Incorporate intellectual and creative elements.
6. Look for opportunities to promote moral behavior.
7. Select activities that will rejuvenate both the mind and body.

Blended Families:

A blended family (parents that remarry and already have children of their own) always comes about as the result of dreams cut short or not working out. As such, the members of the blended family must have extra faith and trust in the Lord. A few pointers to help with the adjustment:

* If possible, sell your old home and your spouse's home and buy a new home. Memories cling very closely around homes, and it would be in the best interest of family to start afresh.

* Think of this blended family as a "new" and not a "replacement" family.

* Start new traditions instead of borrowing from both families.

* Remember that it will never be perfect, and it will take time to feel comfortable and natural.



Have a great week!

Week 10: Love, Work, and Prayer In Families

I really love this class. I love it because everything I learn makes me think about how blessed I am to have grown up in my family. It also makes me want to be a better person, and I'm grateful for anything I experience that motivates me to improve myself from the inside out. Now, on to the good stuff!


Faith and Prayer:

The biggest thing I learned from this section is the concept of "enlightened hedonism" - doing the right things and following gospel principles, but only to get the blessings that make our lives easier. For example, paying our tithing because we know that if we do the windows of heaven will pour blessings upon us, instead of paying our tithing with the intent of blessing other members of the church with a nearby temple, the opportunity to serve a mission, or food for their families. I am definitely guilty of "enlightened hedonism." I want to pay my tithing and follow the gospel with Christ always in mind. I want to stop obeying the commandments to get blessings. I want to obey the commandments because I love Heavenly Father.

We also talked about the importance of praying in a circle as a family. I've liked this idea for a really long time, because a circle is so representative of our eternal family and our covenant. I feel so unified with my family and with Heavenly Father when we kneel in a circle for prayer. In class we talked about how younger children especially feel a sense of security and family identity when they kneel in a circle.

Love

Love is both a feeling and a behavior.

When we bear others' burdens, our capacity to love and sympathize grows.

"The Atonement working in our lives will produce in us the love and tenderness we need." ~ Henry B. Eyring

We must love our family and our neighbors, in more than just word. "One cannot ask God to help a neighbor in distress without feeling motivated to do something toward helping that neighbor."

Work

In my family, work and chores were part of life. This chapter was an interesting one to read because it evoked a lot of memories and some...shall we say...strong childhood feelings. I'll mostly quote from my textbook, because it's just so good :)

"What does such ordinary, family-centered work have to do with salvation? The answer is so obvious in common experience that it has become obscure: family work links people. It does so by providing endless opportunities to recognize and fill the needs of others."

"Ironically, the things commonly disliked about family work offer the greatest possibilities for nurturing close relationships:

It is mindless - but this leaves our minds free to focus on one another while we labor.

It is menial - yet because of this, even the smallest child may contribute.

It is repetitive - but repetitive chores allow families to gather everyday in rituals of love and cooperation.

It is demeaning, we have to clean up after other people - yet, in so doing, we observe (others') vulnerabilities and weaknesses in a way that forces us to admit that life is possible...only by the grace of God. We are reminded that when we are fed, we could be hungry; when we are clean, we could be dirty; family work is thus humbling work, helping us to acknowledge our unavoidable interdependence; encouraging (even requiring) us to sacrifice "self" for the good of the whole in the pattern of our Savior."

Today, children rarely work at all. Many people have maids; when children do work, it is mostly work that benefits themselves, such as cleaning their room. Family identity and unity is built through working together on projects that benefit the entire family.

Today a myth exists that little children don't want to work. False! Little kids love to help. Involve them in what you are doing, be it sweeping the floor, fixing a sink, or baking cookies. Let them feel useful, important, and capable.

* Respect your children's agency and do not coerce them into jobs because they will often rebel. Invite and firmly encourage. If your children resist, do not use guilt or manipulation as a motivation. You can try setting understandable boundaries so things will still get done; for example, not allowing your teenager to drive the family car to hang out with friends until their chores are complete.

Balance between work and play is a huge part of creating a healthy family life. Play with your children (more on that next week!). Play has been described as "a child's work." Play is a vital part of development and health. Play play play! That goes for you too, parents :)


Have a wonderful week!

Week 9: Forgiveness

 "The greatest joys of life are experienced in happy family relationships. The most poignant of sorrows, the most bleak and forlorn feelings of misery come of unhappy family life. We have many failures in the world, but the greatest of these, in my judgment, is that failure which is found in broken homes. Immeasurable is the heartache. The root of most of this lies in selfishness. The cure for most of it can be found in repentance on the part of the offender and forgiveness on the part of the offended.”
~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Forgiveness is the willingness to let go from one's mind and heart the desire for revenge, the bitter, angry feelings, and the constant re-telling of past wrongs.

I thought that last bit was particularly interesting, because even if I claim I've forgiven someone, I still bring up and recount the problem, often as a joke. But it's possible that that is evidence of me still holding on to my animosity.

Some quick points:

* Forgiveness is a process more than it is an event.

* You can forgive and still grieve; for the sinner, for lost hope, for wounds that need healing, etc.

* Forgiving someone does not mean that that person is not responsible for their behavior.

* Forgiveness does not mean that you put yourself in a position where you can be further hurt, such as staying in an abusive home. Forgiveness is having a clean and wiser heart.

“Bitterness poisons mostly the one who harbors it in his heart…”

President Spencer W. Kimball
Miracle of Forgiveness

Every day we have opportunities to forgive, in both ordinary and extraordinary circumstances. C.S. Lewis said:

 "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”


The Savior’s Great Intercessory Prayer:
And now I am no more in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to thee. Holy Father, keep through thine own name those whom thou has given me, that they may be one, as we are.
And for their sakes I sanctify myself, that they also might be sanctified through the truth.
That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us . . .
And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one:
I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one;
(John 17:11, 19, 21-23; emphasis added)
The Savior taught:
Therefore, if ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, or if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee;
Leave thou thy gift before the altar, and go thy way unto thy brother, and first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
(JST Matt. 5:25-26)

I pray that we might all follow the Savior's words, and forgive/pray for those that have aught against us. I love you all!

Week 8: Financial Stewardship and Intergenerational Ties

Hello All!

Some cool stuff this week.

Financial Stewardship:

* Maintain a broad vision. Financial resources are means, not ends.
* The way we spend our money reflects our basic values.
* If there is anything we own that we could not take into the street and burn, we care about material possessions too much. (Pres. Kimball?)
* Money problems are often behavior problems.
* Live within your means. Pay tithing first, and set a little aside in savings consistently. Avoid risky speculation.
* Always give thanks to God for the things He has given you. Put Him first, have faith, and He will take care of you.

I've been thinking alot about families in these difficult economic times, and it struck me the other day how beautiful it is that we have families. What an incredible support unit! If another great depression were to hit the US and we all lost our jobs, I know that we could pull together and live together and do the best we can to get by, maybe working part-time and taking shifts to forage or take care of the kids. We may have to sacrifice comfort and pride and self-sufficiency, but because we love each other we'll always pull through! Come what may.

Intergenerational Ties:

Grandparents are like the National Coast Guard; waiting offshore for signs of distress in their families, rushing in in uniform to pull the strugglers from the water, helping them get back on their feet, and quietly putting away the uniform once all is well.

The proclamation teaches us that the extended family has a responsibility to help in times of trouble. Grandma and Grandpa Cummings were excellent examples of this, and I love them for it. :)

Principles for strengthening adult-child relationships:

* Parents should be genuinely concerned but not over-involved
* Parents should avoid favoring individual children in the family
* Parents and children should be willing to forgive each other of past mistakes
* Adult children should provide opportunities for grandchildren to develop close relationships with grandparents
* Adult children should allow their aging parents to be independent as long as possible, but offer assistance when needed
~ Strengthening Our Families

Week 7: Principles of Parenting

"Of all the joys of life, none other equals that of happy parenthood. Of all the responsibilities with which we struggle, none other is so serious. To rear children in an atmosphere of love, security, and faith is the most rewarding of all challenges. The good result from such effort becomes life's most satisfying compensation."

~Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

This week we talked about principles of parenting as laid forth by the Proclamation on the Family. It was great to reflect on how I was raised and think about what I want to be like as a parent.

There are many types of parenting, but we focused on three:

Coercive - "Hostile parenting that derides, demeans, or diminishes children and teens by continually putting them in their place, putting them down, mocking them, or holding power over them via punitive or psychologically controlling means"

Permissive - "indulges children in their every whim and desire or neglects children by leaving them to their own devices. Could be considered another form of unrighteous dominion because parents are shirking their divine duties"

Authoritarian - "Fosters a positive emotional connection with children, provides for regulation that places fair and consistent limits on child behavior, and allows for reasonable child autonomy in decision making."

Obviously, the authoritarian approach seems to be the best when it comes to parenting, because it involves a healthy balance between setting reasonable boundaries and letting a child act for themselves.

But...we're all human, and nobody parents in an authoritarian manner all the time. We all use coercion or permissiveness at some points because we get exhausted or frustrated or nothing else seems to work. I encourage us all to strive to be the very best parents we can be, however, particularly because of the studied results of these three types of parenting.

Children with parents that force coercion are generally more withdrawn, agressive, and unempathetic. Children of permissive parents may have a harder time respecting others, dealing with frustration and working towards goals, and following through with their plans. The authoritative approach, however, focuses on connecting with a child by learning about their goals, abilities, and future plans, setting forth good boundaries and regulation, and then letting a child make their own decisions. Agency is truly an eternal principle. In the end, you can not force a child to do anything. Wouldn't it be better to take the time to explain yourself to a child instead of just expect them to obey because you're their parent? "Because I said so" is hardly a good answer to a child's query as to why they need to obey. Teach your children why obedience is important. Tell them your thoughts, and why certain things, such as going to church every sunday, are so vital to you.

A funny story: One of my professors was having a problem with his teenager. The boy did not want to go to church and told his dad that he was staying home. The dad replied "That,s great, son! Tell you what, I'll stay at home too and we can study the gospel together for three hours! I can't wait, this is going to be so wonderful and enriching, I'll go get my scriptures."

The boy got ready for church as fast as he could and didn't utter a word of complaint for the rest of the day :)

As parents in Zion, our goal is to raise righteous children unto the Lord. But even righteous parents have wayward children; Lehi and Sariah, Adam and Eve. Take comfort in the fact that your covenants will keep your family together, and the Atonement can remove all sin. Love your child, pray for them, do not judge them, and keep your faith.

Our Heavenly Father is a perfect parent. How does he teach us? What can we learn from His example? He gives us commandments, clear boundaries, and blesses us when we follow His will. We make our own decisions and we make mistakes, but He always believes in us, loves us, and welcomes us back. It's my prayer that we can follow Heavenly Father's example as we raise our own families.

Love to you all!

Week 6: Equal Partnership In Marriage: The Sacred Responsibilities of Mothers and Fathers

I love what we've been learning about lately and I'm excited to share it. Equal partnership in LDS marriage is something I've thought quite a bit about. When my friends have asked me how I could believe in a church that so limits the opportunities of women, I haven't quite known how to answer them. This week's lectures and discussions have given me some really awesome insight. It makes me even more excited to be a member of this church! Before I go into equal partnership, let me start off with some great things we learned about principles and practices of marriage.

* Firstly, being "in love" is not that high feeling where you can't eat, sleep, or think of anyone else but that that person. That is not what God meant by love. The very fact that love is a commandment implies that it is a matter of agency. We can choose to love. "Falling in love" sounds like an accident, something we can't help, something we can't change. Many people justify having affairs by saying "I couldn't help myself, I just fell in love with him/her." This is false! You can control it, and love is something that is grown and developed, not happened upon.

* The giddy, blissful feeling of new marriage wears off. Many couples feel scared or disillusioned when reality sets into a marriage and all is not heavenly and romantic all the time. It is okay if the spark dims! If all we did was gaze into each others' eyes, what would happen to our jobs, our bodies, our families? The trick is to keep the embers going. They're better for roasting marshmallows anyway.

* Wow, there are so many good things to talk about. It's hard not to write about all of them. Here's just a few more -

~ Avoid "parallel marriage"- living in the same house, sharing the same bed, getting along just fine, but not sharing your world with your spouse. Idea of how to avoid this: sit next to each other in church instead of bookending your children. It's a small thing, but it will make a difference to your children. You will be showing them that you are the rock, the foundational relationship of the family. This will be important to them. They will want to know that you are strong and that you love each other.

~Handle differences constructively: when disagreements arise, focus on resolving the problem instead of allowing the conversation to escalate into a fault-finding-fest. It's human nature to want the upper hand and the last say in an argument, but it is vital to a strong marriage to externalize the problem. Imagine you and your spouse side by side, on a path, holding hands, facing the problem, instead of imagining the problem as emanating from your spouse.

~ Prioritize your marriage; it is the foundation of your family. Give your spouse more than the dregs of your time. Obey the commandment of date night (well, it's close to a commandment) and when on the date, try not to talk about your kids. The date is about the two of you, and about rekindling your love and commitment to each other.

Ah, there's so much good stuff. Anyways, moving on to "Equal Partnership in Marriage."

"A righteous husband is the bearer of the priesthood, which priesthood is the governing authority of the home. But he is not the priesthood; he is the holder of the priesthood. His wife shares the blessings of the priesthood with him. He is not elevated in any way above the divine status of his wife. President Gordon B. Hinckley in last April's general priesthood meeting stated: "In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey."
Pres. James E. Faust, Gen. Relief Society Meeting, 2002

Though the husband presides, he is not elevated in any way above the wife. Decisions are made together. This is God's plan. Fathers are responsible for the providing for and protection of the family. Mothers are given the opportunity of nurturing the body, mind, and spirit of children."
I find hope in the teaching that whatever women are called upon to sacrifice in raising a family will be restored unto them in the eternities. There is endless opportunity for us, and we can learn and love in any calling we receive.
love you, family! Have a great week.

Note: Quotes are taken from my textbooks, "Strengthening our Families" edited by David Dollahite and "Helping and Healing our Families" by David Hart. Bulleted points are summaries of information obtained through class reading assignments and discussions. Thanks!

Week 5: Overcoming the Powerful Influence of Pornography, Teaching Principles of Modesty and Chastity, and Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws

Okay, so three different topics this week, but all of equal importance! I couldn't think of a common image among them, and I was NOT about to type anything with the word pornography into google images, so I settled (well, it definitely wasn't settling) for this beautiful picture of the Washington D.C. Temple.

"Overcoming the Powerful Influence of Pornography"

* "Pornography is everywhere with its seductive invitation. You must turn away from it. It can enslave you. It can destroy you. Recognize it for what it is- tawdry and sleazy stuff...Life is better than that which is so frequently portrayed. Nature is better than that. Love is better than that."
~ Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

* It's important to understand that pornography is an addiction that cannot be overcome without help. Yet no matter how strong the addiction, no matter how much we have suffered, we CAN break the bonds of sin through Christ. If we do our part and rely wholly on the Lord, we will overcome Satan. It works. Every time!

* Have an "emergency kit" when temptation is strong. It might be a box filled with little things to look at, reminders of the things that are really important. For example, a temple recommend, a picture of your family, gift certificates for good activities, inspirational quotes, etc.

* Don't give up!


"Teaching Principles of Modesty and Chastity"

* "Teach young men to honor womanhood and to treat women respectfully, beginning with their mother and sisters. Help them understand the responsibility God has given them to protect women, and make it a practice for men in the family to speak and act respectfully toward all women."

* Talk openly with your kids about the importance of modesty. Interesting fact: the parent-child relationship often determines what kind of peers your teenagers will choose. Cultivate a strong relationship with your children.

and finally...

"Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families"

* After marriage, don't run home to your parents about your first problems. Your spouse may feel belittled or betrayed. Talk first with your spouse about the issue. Avoid triangulation - a situation when communication with a parent is stronger than with the spouse.

* Parents should avoid giving advice to their married children unless it is sought for. If there are serious marital struggles going on, parents would be wise to recommend a marriage counselor rather than get involved. Often it is too difficult not to take a side.

* Holidays are difficult times for newly married couples. They want to be loyal to both families but have a desire to start their own traditions. Parents should not pressure the couple to come to family gatherings, but should let them know that they are always welcome. Holidays are never the same without all of the family, but both sets of parents should respect the desires and decisions of the newlywed couple.

* In-laws, particularly mother-in-laws, may expect their child's new spouse to be alot like them. This is rarely the case. Accept what diversity can do for your family.

* Dads- do manual labor with your son-in-laws. It builds character and work ethic. Bonding time!

Love you all! Have a fabulous week